How Our Brain Responds to Grief

By David Cathcart, MDIV

An image of a hand holding a white model of a brain against a dark green background

How Our Brain Responds to Grief

When we lose a loved one, time seems to move strangely - some days dragging like a slow tide, others disappearing entirely, as if grief had stolen not just our loved one, but our sense of reality as well. The memory lapses and loss of time can be confusing and disorienting, but they are normal aspects of the grieving process. Grief isn't something we move through in neat stages like denial or acceptance. Instead, it's a messy, back-and-forth process that changes over time.

Grief is a universal experience that affects not just our emotions but also how our brain works. Modern research, including the work of Mary-Frances O'Connor, author of The Grieving Brain, sheds light on why grief feels so overwhelming and how our brain helps us heal over time.

O'Connor explains that grief isn't just about sadness; it's also about how our brain tries to make sense of a world that's suddenly different.

When someone we love dies, our brain struggles to adjust. For years, our brain has created patterns and routines around their presence - whether it's expecting them to walk through the door or hearing their voice on the phone. When they're gone, the brain doesn't immediately know how to handle this new reality, which is why the loss can feel so confusing and painful.

Emotions like sadness, anger, and even numbness are linked to how specific parts of our brain react to loss. The amygdala, the part of the brain that processes strong emotions, often becomes overactive, which can make everything feel more intense. At the same time, the parts of the brain that help us think clearly or stay focused, like the prefrontal cortex, might struggle to keep up. This is why it can be hard to concentrate or make decisions while grieving.

Grief doesn't just affect our mind - it affects our body, too. Stress hormones, like cortisol, rise when we're grieving, which can lead to physical symptoms such as fatigue, trouble sleeping, or even feeling sick. At the same time, the absence of brain chemicals like oxytocin, which helps us feel connected to others, can make us feel incredibly lonely. The good news is that our brain is built to adapt. Over time, it starts to form new pathways that help us live with the loss. This doesn't mean we stop missing the person, but the pain becomes less overwhelming as we learn to carry it differently. O'Connor describes this shift as moving from "acute grief" - when the loss feels fresh and raw, to "integrated grief"- when we begin to find meaning and joy again, even while remembering the person we lost.

Understanding how the brain processes grief helps us see that it's not just about "getting over it" but about giving ourselves time to adjust. Practices like mindfulness or talking to a therapist can help as they teach the brain new ways to handle the pain.

A woman looking off camera with a slight smile remembering her loved ones

Grief is a sign of how deeply we've loved, and while it's painful, it also shows the brain's amazing ability to heal and grow, even after profound loss.

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